Living vicariously - Day 1 of 30 day writing challenge

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

Joslyn Hamilton made me do this. Or her babies did—the two cute new twins whom I have yet to meet but feel like I have. I am living vicariously through her Instagram photos and Facebook videos. Actually I’m reliving my own 3-babies-in-a-row life before I was on social media. I used a handheld video recorder instead and tirelessly transferred the camcorder tapes to a VHS tape to then watch on our VCR (times two so that my parents across the country could have a copy too, which I would send in the postal mail after waiting in line at the post office). All of these words sounds ancient, like acronyms, but they were actual common words back then. My babies are now teenagers and tell me what they think of me daily, either through text or they tell their friends on social media and forget that I can see it.

living vicariously thru another's child

I need to meet Joslyn’s babies. I am planning to drive my college daughter to college in September instead of flying (which would be way easier) because Joslyn and her babies are the half way point. I think part of my reason for wanting to see her with them may be that I want to change my destiny. I read an article the other day in the NY Times that you can change your destiny—or was it "get happier"—if you write your story and then rewrite it to make it better. Maybe I want to rewrite mine so that my teenagers in the present will make different choices. Or maybe I just want to feel better about myself as a parent.

For instance, I’d like it if my son didn’t tell me at least once a week, “I just threw up” moments before it’s time to get up really fast because he is late for school *again*. I’d also like to not find all kinds of candy wrappers in his room, which he says are his friend's, but they are hiding right under the Xbox in his room which he also says is his friend's. It’s been there for months. He is in there alone. I’m sure these are reasons he throws up (if that is actually true).

I’d also like to figure out how to be a parent in the social media generation where it’s great to watch them on all of their accounts, tucked away safely in bed—it’s important that I know where they are—and it’s also nice for me to get an inside view into their psyche, but my inner-yoga-self thinks that I need to take away all electronics and send my youngest daughter to one of those special wilderness therapeutic schools instead. It’s in Utah. There’s another reason to visit Joslyn and her babies.

psychological projection

Before I go (I mean I need to type a few more words because that was only 463 and I need to get to 500), I will say that eating kale daily is a good thing, but I don’t smoke cigarettes (the name of this writing challenge). I only watch the smoke from my incense burner go by as I do yoga. I think that’s a better way to train my ego (while I’m in yoga) that it’s ok that I can’t do a certain yoga pose because the whole point is that I need to be able to relax and burn out the karmas and patterns in my mind that drive me to repeat the same bad habits. I was going to type “how can I relax when my teenager daughter who is only 14 just told me she knows more than me...” but then I caught myself in a projection. I realized that what I need to let go of is the urge to engage in a conversation with a person who has my genes (at times—not always). I realized that I’m the one, as a parent of teenagers, who needs to learn to let go of control. And then I’ll be able to do my yoga pose I’ve always wanted to do. :) Because sometimes it’s all about the yoga pose.