(Mis)understood through silent insinuation: Day 21 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge

WriteYourselfAlive 30 Day Challenge. Writing prompt: Write a dialog

Why does one write? What issue have you felt more misunderstood at or silenced about? How would you rephrase them?

she feels understood
because she is comfortable
with feeling misunderstood

she rises above misconceptions by creating allusion
that may or may not be understood
it is the goal

because she wants her security to rise
within insecurity
to create certainty amongst that which is not mentioned directly
balance within herself

she feels content within the realm of
being misunderstood
she doesn't care
she likes it...

when she thrives on hints,
insinuation,
veiled equivocal reflection
on indirect acts
she is left unaccountable
for saying anything at all

she is safe
she smiles
because she is a writer

© r.e.l.

Dialog with inner voice: Day 7 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge

WriteYourselfAlive 30 Day Challenge. Writing prompt: Write a dialog

Recall an event that has had a great emotional impact on you but which you have a hard time talking about. Write a conversation between two people, real or imaginary, past, present, or future...

I can only think of the impact the cellos and piano music I heard last night had on me, and still ring in my ears. It's difficult to describe in words because I don't want to. Music speaks. Bruno Sanfilippo from Barcelona. I'd never heard him before. It infiltrated me as it reached into me with each sound, to say 'I understand you. I'm here. Don't worry.'

music that infiltrates

I start shrinking when I imagine being addicted to this music, not wanting to pull away. I brought it with me to my room and plugged it in to sleep. I wanted to learn through my dreams more of what it has to say. I drank extra wine just to make sure I heard it. Part of its reach is melancholy and heartbreak, while remaining intriguing and healing.

The fear is having vivid images (i.e., stories that need to dissolve) of whatever it stirs inside me. I instead want to feel the purity of the music and bypass my psychological mind, building a portal straight to the physical energy of whatever it is, to bathe it. I want to *feel* all of what it has to say. I fear that maybe I'm not supposed to feel it (whatever it is) any other way than a detached behavioral story to replay over and over in my psyche, for purposes of recreating "it" within the realm of my own entertainment.

Teardrops form and I like it, followed by my message I'm drawn to write and post or send; then I emotionally detach. It's soothing for me to do this; I see my quick mental processing working its magic as fast as my metabolism works me physiologically. And then I'm renewed, processed, lighter, freer, relieved.

a portal straight to the heart

Reversing the statement... I'm lighter and free so I process quickly in order to cry, so as not to replay a story for egoic entertainment. I feel somatically through a portal straight to my heart. I listen to music that speaks on the edge of fear and sadness. I'm impacted. hmmm

(Dialog with the inner voice, the behavioral pattern)
You are where I attach my heart
    I'm a projection, don't you see
It's you who doesn't see that I am able to see something in you that you cannot
    I don't want you to want me
I don't want to hurt you
    I won't let you hurt me because I won't open up
I will find a way in the crack, the one you least suspect
    I smile when I feel safe with you, but then I feel again
You feel your heart and it cares about me
    I want to trust that you don't love me
That isn't possible, and you can't control me in that way
    Is it really about control
I am who I am and so are you; you cannot direct its course
    I didn't realize I was
I want you to see me from where you are down there and rise up
    I don't know how
Trust me
    I don't know how to trust again, you will leave me
No I won't
    You already are
I'm trying to let go of you and wanting you to be more
    I don't want you to go
I have to run away, disappear... to reset who I am
    Then I will be able to see your love
Why are you doing this to me
    It has to be my idea
It is, I'm leaving

"Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves."

My Writing Space: Day 3 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge

WriteYourselfAlive 30 Day Challenge. Writing prompt: What is my writing space like?

Physically describe your dream home or writing space that has left a deep impact on you, in a way that makes the reader feel it rather than see it.

As I write, I usually see a cat hair flurry by through the air. Cats know when I need them, usually when I'm sad or something is brewing to the surface, and they know that their purr heals. They know instinctually to purr on me whenever I'm writing—at least when it's my heartfelt creative work. (If it's analytical, where I'm making lists, numbers or angry, they stay away).

This honest, creative energy—when it arises, never on commad—feeds my words; it's an indication that flood gates to my heart are open. I stay here. Here is anywhere in my house where I bring my laptop.

you are my dream

My dream space: You are by the sea and I can smell salt water in the air. You are warm and breezy, and you know my name. You send me words; I hear, feel, sense with my eyes closed when you're near. My hammock swings gently, birds chirp, the clouds make formations just for me to describe. When you call to me, I let the ocean waves lure me to watch them instead, swim in them, and then inspect the sea water droplets left on me as I dry in the sun. I write in my mind in these moments, clear and full. The sunset takes its time to arrive, and when it does I'm reminded of why you are my dream. Skies darken, and red wine enlivens my peripheral vision of colors and stars and you...

Why Do I Write? Day 1 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge

WriteYourselfAlive 30 Day Challenge. Writing prompt: Why do you write?

Take note of the similarities in all of your regrets, and all of the differences in your accomplishments.

I write because I want to get in touch with my heart. There is a longing that rises to the surface through my fingertips, when I'm feeling safe to let it out. That expression allows me to be those expressed words, when before I was shielding myself from being me. In moments when I cannot write, doing yoga asana helps to unleash what's inside, as the subtle body is the guardian to the gems inside. Somatic release allows the words to come out, which I can also feel and read in my mind's eye through meditation (moving or sitting).

regrets and accomplishments

I reget
that I am not a Naturopathic Doctor
that I do not swim in the ocean every day 
that I let myself believe I am doing something wrong often 
that I did not buy a convertible for my current car 
that I'm dragging my feet on publishing my first book

                        I'm proud
                        that I am moving to Encinitas—warm ocean, yoga
                        that I earned my M.A. in healing arts
                        that I'm on to my tendencies, samskaras burning
                        that I decided to keep my mini until old age
                        that I am writing the chapters and framework for book

The similarities in my regrets are that I have not been treating myself well as I should have. I recognize that I should treat myself as if I'm in love with myself, giving myself these gifts. Each of the regrets I'm taking on as dreams, and attempting to fulfill within the next month.

integrals parts of a dream

The differences in my accomplishments is that they are each separate integral parts to my one dream come true. I'll heal myself once I'm warm and with the dynamic yoga teacher and community, and have the warm ocean to swim in, but until then I'm realizing that I could do some of that currently, before moving. But day by day, my ashtanga yoga (always calling me on my shit) is burning away these behavior patterns to a point where I no longer need to use will power. Samskaras burning...

I've been writing my book page by page as if I've had a heavy load on top of me or a stalker watching me waste time indulging in my own heart. The reality is that I give myself permission to shine and be who I am meant to be.

I know that my eyes are filled with the beauty of how I've been loved. The emptiness I feel is more of an echo that it's ok to not be all of those things at once, always. To be loved just as I am on each given day, to know that I'm always growing myself (for myself) until then, but always be me, and some day someone will want all of it, all of me—complications, worries, and unlying love and all. I am brave and I trust that I am enough, I am beautiful. That waves break at the right moment.

Day 30 of 30 day writing challenge

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

It's over and I wanted to reflect now on how this 30-day challenge has changed me.

Today, I spend the day motivating and helping my almost-18-year-old daughter write a 15-page play for the San Mateo Traffic Court judge in the Juvenille Court. We had the awesome experience of opting to meet with the judge on a speeding ticket of hers. We includes me because until she is 18, it's all about the parent.

Lucky us... the judge

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Seek intimidation to know who you really are - Day 20 of 30 day writing challenge

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

I take my writing cue today from Long Distance Love Bombs. He told me to "seek intimidation, hunt fear" and to basically search for opportunities today to go to my edge of confidence so that I can finally see that I already have all the answers!

if i don't feel it, i can't live it

I have had this quandary for awhile now. I know it to be true.

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Finding bliss - Day 19 of 30 day writing challenge

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

"There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." ~Nelson Mandela.

Now I know why this quote struck a chord in me today. I've been searching for a connection between my past description of bliss and my present lifestyle. This quote by Nelson Mandela speaks 1000 words to me. It reminds me 'What are you waiting for?' There are many ways I talk myself into believing that my dream is in the future.

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When your son has two BMW project cars - Day 18 of 30 day writing challenge

thinking about teenagers (and how to stay away from them)

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

I've learned how to take on chaos and turn it to calm. I have a son who drives.

He has a new BMW "project car." We (the parents) did not know this when it was presented to us by him. He already had an old BMW that his father bought him for $2500. It worked fine. He spent many hours in the garage changing out parts, painting it, rewiring it, after installing the loudest sub-woofer in the neighborhood, of course. I could hear him coming home. Then one day he announces that

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