(Mis)understood through silent insinuation: Day 21 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge

WriteYourselfAlive 30 Day Challenge. Writing prompt: Write a dialog

Why does one write? What issue have you felt more misunderstood at or silenced about? How would you rephrase them?

she feels understood
because she is comfortable
with feeling misunderstood

she rises above misconceptions by creating allusion
that may or may not be understood
it is the goal

because she wants her security to rise
within insecurity
to create certainty amongst that which is not mentioned directly
balance within herself

she feels content within the realm of
being misunderstood
she doesn't care
she likes it...

when she thrives on hints,
insinuation,
veiled equivocal reflection
on indirect acts
she is left unaccountable
for saying anything at all

she is safe
she smiles
because she is a writer

© r.e.l.

Dialog with inner voice: Day 7 of 30 of Write Yourself Alive writing challenge

WriteYourselfAlive 30 Day Challenge. Writing prompt: Write a dialog

Recall an event that has had a great emotional impact on you but which you have a hard time talking about. Write a conversation between two people, real or imaginary, past, present, or future...

I can only think of the impact the cellos and piano music I heard last night had on me, and still ring in my ears. It's difficult to describe in words because I don't want to. Music speaks. Bruno Sanfilippo from Barcelona. I'd never heard him before. It infiltrated me as it reached into me with each sound, to say 'I understand you. I'm here. Don't worry.'

music that infiltrates

I start shrinking when I imagine being addicted to this music, not wanting to pull away. I brought it with me to my room and plugged it in to sleep. I wanted to learn through my dreams more of what it has to say. I drank extra wine just to make sure I heard it. Part of its reach is melancholy and heartbreak, while remaining intriguing and healing.

The fear is having vivid images (i.e., stories that need to dissolve) of whatever it stirs inside me. I instead want to feel the purity of the music and bypass my psychological mind, building a portal straight to the physical energy of whatever it is, to bathe it. I want to *feel* all of what it has to say. I fear that maybe I'm not supposed to feel it (whatever it is) any other way than a detached behavioral story to replay over and over in my psyche, for purposes of recreating "it" within the realm of my own entertainment.

Teardrops form and I like it, followed by my message I'm drawn to write and post or send; then I emotionally detach. It's soothing for me to do this; I see my quick mental processing working its magic as fast as my metabolism works me physiologically. And then I'm renewed, processed, lighter, freer, relieved.

a portal straight to the heart

Reversing the statement... I'm lighter and free so I process quickly in order to cry, so as not to replay a story for egoic entertainment. I feel somatically through a portal straight to my heart. I listen to music that speaks on the edge of fear and sadness. I'm impacted. hmmm

(Dialog with the inner voice, the behavioral pattern)
You are where I attach my heart
    I'm a projection, don't you see
It's you who doesn't see that I am able to see something in you that you cannot
    I don't want you to want me
I don't want to hurt you
    I won't let you hurt me because I won't open up
I will find a way in the crack, the one you least suspect
    I smile when I feel safe with you, but then I feel again
You feel your heart and it cares about me
    I want to trust that you don't love me
That isn't possible, and you can't control me in that way
    Is it really about control
I am who I am and so are you; you cannot direct its course
    I didn't realize I was
I want you to see me from where you are down there and rise up
    I don't know how
Trust me
    I don't know how to trust again, you will leave me
No I won't
    You already are
I'm trying to let go of you and wanting you to be more
    I don't want you to go
I have to run away, disappear... to reset who I am
    Then I will be able to see your love
Why are you doing this to me
    It has to be my idea
It is, I'm leaving

"Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves."

Quantum physics - Day 26 of 30 day writing challenge

Touch me and I'll change

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

I'm not a scholar but I love quantum physics. I dreamed about it last night somehow and then saw someone post about the subject today (which I hardly ever see). One of my favorite books is The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra.

particles collide... we are made of particules

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Unloading the weight of the world - Day 15 of 30 day writing challenge

(Image source: gravityglue.com)

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

I have a unique iPhone text sound for my favorite people. I dreamed this morning right before waking up of one of my favorite person text sounds. While still dreaming, the text read "I dropped 10". Then I woke up. I laid there in bed trying to figure out what it meant.

Just drop it

What, he dropped 10 lbs? He fell down 10 steps?

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Absorbing vulnerability through humor - Day 14 of 30 day writing challenge

Monty Python killer rabbit (Source: embercaddington.deviantart.com)

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

I had a dream last night of a cave where I've got giant tongs to reach into the cave and pull out stuff that needs to go. I pulled out one big black thing with tentacles that I wanted to throw away quickly without any of it touching me. I said, "My Vulnerability". I was in the desert and knew that I could throw it in the hot sand to put an end to it. Sand absorbed its stickiness so it would no longer attach to me.

I killed my vulnerability...

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Distracted by anxiety until disruptive energy is discharged: Yoga and psychology

I am distracted often. Yes, it gets in my way when I feel I’ll be in trouble if I don’t accomplish a certain goal. Yet, with my life of freedom—more so, the art of distraction itself—I wouldn’t have it any other way. There is a beauty and inherent intelligence in distraction.

anxiety

Why does a distracted mind cause anxiety? So many people are taking medication for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as if to cure this ailment; it’s as if they are being taught that they cannot live adequately in our society without the maximum ability to hone in on a specific task and fulfill it without question, without delay. It’s now, or else.

Why is this? People with ADHD focus intensely on their own topic of interest. They are highly focused. They are exceedingly intelligent because of thisdisordered ability to focus. This activity is peaceful because it is naturally-driven and full of integrity.

Don’t we each want to live a life that is fused with our innate, inner desires?

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Feeling broken: Do you ever wonder how you'll make it through the day?

you were broken but now filled, more beautiful.

How will you do it?

Feeling broken? Too much chaos? Too many obligations that stifle who you are? Do you ever wonder how you'll make it through the day? 

Embrace mystery around you

Before you close your eyes at night, whether success or failure defines the little things in your day, give yourself a break. Just living your life is the way through.

Smile as you judge your productivity through the eyes of someone else.

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Don't pass by me: Who goes slowly goes healthy

wishes that come trueThere is a fine balance between shyness and true expression. As if in a bit of a conundrum, I go back and forth between befriending stillness and the gems inside me that open only when the darkness underneath is stirred to view what's lurking beneath.

The words of a song remind me,

I swear that I can feel you creeping underneath my skin. It feels like heaven to me sometimes.

There is a quality of light within the dark—a yin/yang. 

I can feel a side of me inside reaching out for expression, asking gently to not vaporize the energy of the expression into an emptiness. Don't pass me by, it asks. There is much to be learned in the dark that I so easily hide within the armor I've built like a child building a sand castle.

Sand is a good metaphor for this armor. It is made of rock, symbolizing strength. After many years of weather it can harden to an impenetrable substance, but if air continually moves through the tiny spaces between each grain, the wall can easily be knocked down. A simple symbolic hand can do the trick with one violent strike. Alternatively, I could douse it with my essence in a waterfall, or a slow drip to eat away at it slowly.

A soothing Italian proverb leads the way in my life now: 

Chi va piano va sano va lontano. (Who goes slowly, goes healthy and far.)

Take time with the precious gems that have been in the dark for a long time. Once they see the light, they do not acclimate immediately. They need time to adjust and evolve into their new form, with light shone upon them.

They can become like a dream that I’ve always imagined but could never reach. Not until now at least.

© 2014 R.E.L. Copywriting