Seek intimidation to know who you really are - Day 20 of 30 day writing challenge

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

I take my writing cue today from Long Distance Love Bombs. He told me to "seek intimidation, hunt fear" and to basically search for opportunities today to go to my edge of confidence so that I can finally see that I already have all the answers!

if i don't feel it, i can't live it

I have had this quandary for awhile now. I know it to be true. Now, it's a matter of not only living it, but feeling it. If I don't feel it, no one—not even me—can talk me into living it. So, today I'll be feeling my way to the answers through intimidation.

I'll start with agitation—deep fear as its source—that I will sit with, and not escape (i.e., daydream, do yoga that I don't need, pour a glass of wine, scroll through social media, etc.). Since I also faced this theme this morning in yoga, which is definitely an emulation of my life, I've decided to face intimidation directly with agitation to see what happens... I'm all about experiments with myself.

In summary, whenever I feel I cannot do something today, I will do the yoga pose which has become the bane of my existence. It always makes me angry. My yoga mat is all ready. Maybe two wrongs will make a right?!

don't bail on the ultimate cleanse

The yoga pose is called Mayurasana. I have tried already to befriend it or to just pretend it's easy and just breathe through it—with hopes that tension would ease. It hasn't worked. (Remember how I handle this pose is how I handle all challenges in life). This Peacock pose is part of my daily Nadi Shodhana (5 mornings per week) and I won't let myself bail on that awesome nervous system cleansing! I think I need a velcro-lined shirt. Even though I don't sew or do crafts, I contemplate visiting a craft store to buy some velcro just to make myself a special shirt. For, if I do this yoga pose, I'd also be conquering bigger issues in life.

...And now I see that my problem-solving mind causes me to blind myself from the answer! I have to get in touch with the source of why I cannot do it (or any intimidation in life), strengthen and release as needed. A velcro shirt is only my problem-solving brain cheating. It's my subtle body that needs to be taught. I've been up against pain and inabilities in yoga poses since I've done Mysore Ashtanga yoga. I know the solution is hidden in frustration. The insatiable quest is in my subtle body's blockages and imbalances. It's a somatic study into the world of me. Successful attempts release me for real in my life... the whole point, actually.

I teach my yoga students this by showing and explaining. I'm a better teacher when I have experienced an issue and solved it firsthand.

take my breath away

Who wouldn't want that chance to try out this somatic experience with success!? I will be physically sore today but who cares. It took a long distance love bomb to get me to realize this. I love LOVE so I pay attention.

Relating to my theme from yesterday on bliss, I really want to bring on the kevala kumbhaka state of mind, which the writer who introduced me (on p.33) uses it to poetically describe the moments in love before you actually touch the loved one. Those moments are alive with such focus and a pure state of being. It takes your breath away. This state stands for breathless awe or serenity. It's an ingenious poetic, spiritual metaphor for falling in love. It's certainly what's hidden behind my lacks.

It reminds me of a dream early 2015 where I was quoting the first yoga sutra citta-vritti-nirodhah. I told myself as I woke that it stood for the complete cessation of breath (but then second guessed myself, thinking that would mean I just had a death/rebirth dream... I went with that theme. It actually stands for complete cessation of the mind). Today, I realize I was actually calling on my priceless, desirous state of feeling breathless. That's what gets me to smile in life and it's what gets me to yoga.

Namaste.