True awareness - Day 13 of 30 day writing challenge

30-Day writing challenge through Kale & Cigarettes (500 words)

I am deep into an introspective place right now. It's a place of sophrosyne—a healthy state of mind characterized by self-control, moderation, and a deep awareness of one's true self, and resulting in true happiness. I'm thinking about the different levels inside myself I traverse. There are definitely different levels. I notice it today as I'm basking in euphoric overall pain, induced by the weather. With my daily morning spiritual yoga practice, I become ultra sensitive to any changes. Today is different.

physical pain is entrapment

I see the 3 levels very vividly now: physical, emotional, spiritual. Normally I can touch all 3, varying in order depending on the day or all at the same time. But I notice today (trapped in the physical) that pain is entrapment. Once I feel enough physical discomfort my mind stays there and it's hard to get past it (when it's new). When it goes on for days, speaking from experience, anger or fear or vulnerable emotions break through to express themselves but in a helpless way. It brings out the worst, although highly necessary (and in a sense a teacher, in that respect). I alway see yoga injuries as my teachers. Now, I'm not injured, just overly fatigued with a smile—but to a point where I'm feeling the physical.

imbalance amplified

In my Ashtanga yoga, any imbalance becomes amplified due to repetition and intensity (but very short-lived) and I just keep going believing in the process, having seen the results. In other words, Samskaras—habitual patterns of the mind—are burning off without my will power!. In my 19 years of yoga, in multiple disciplines and styles, Mysore-style Ashtanga is the one practice which has been able to give this amazing result. I'm so in awe.

When a physical pain is around long enough, I call upon my subtle body and any spiritual beliefs I have, which is really the ego surrendering... Asking for help is a surrender and it's never been that easy for me, so it makes personal sense to me that it takes a seemingly impassable pain to get me to believe that there is help from the outer sphere; I'm used to believing and living as if I need to do everything myself. I've always been this way. It's worked too, and has created many successes.

surrender it all...

However, my all time greatest moments in my life all come at that time of deep surrender where I know I cannot hold the world on my shoulders. The idea that it's ok—that I have permission to get help—is unreal to me. It's magical. When I get to that place, sometimes I stay there for awhile (hours, days, months, maybe even years at one point?)

It's nice to reflect on this now. The surrender is a good place to be but so is reality. A fine balance. I need to remember to always allow myself to bring the rope to get out. Similar to keeping good boundaries, not letting negative energies (mostly toxic people) get into me.

Back to the levels. When the physical pain begins to subside, or when fatigue melts away, emotions and/or the subtle body can be felt and then the healing is quick. Once I'm healing, I can cross all levels when I want. That is ideal.

Right now, having made it through a rainy low-pressure system morning, and a long nap, I'm in a happy state of mind. It's a perfect one to meet with my graduate school professor in the next 4 minutes!